Sensitive people become an easy target for scorn and ridicule these days. People say that those who are sensitive are a nuisance – they cannot take jokes, they cannot face hard realties and they cannot accept criticism.
It is true that sensitive people literally wear their emotions on their sleeves, but they are also keenly aware of the emotions of people around them. They do not hurt people so easily. The negativity of any situation bruises them so badly that they hate conflicts and arguments, and are generally peace loving people. They also cannot shed off emotions so easily. Once they get saddened by something, they find it very difficult to forget about it and move on. They sincerely wish that they were more thick-skinned and not worry too much about everything in life.
However, there are far more admiring characteristics that you would find in a sensitive person, which make them highly endearing as well. First of all, they are intuitive and creative. Although they do not resort to violence, they are very good protectors and foresee danger well, simply because they can spontaneously process all possibilities in a given situation. They tend to put things together which are not usually thought of as belonging together, and that requires a deeper and fuller processing of experiences, situations, and possibilities. Most importantly, sensitive people are very conscientious. Their conscientiousness is somewhat automatic, due to the fact that they think about the consequences of their action or inaction. They are also conscientious because, by nature, they reflect on and learn from their mistakes. They take negative feedback seriously, and that is why people say that “they take things too personally.”
They are compassionate and empathic and can read emotional cues. They are very emotional themselves, so they can imagine well what the other person feels if his needs are not fully understood. They do not easily deny the biggest emotional issues of life. Having reflected on these things more than others, they are often sought out for opinions or just their presence. Most often they understand certain people very well, especially about their grief, when some of the others cannot. Hence they also possess the rare talent of making people comfortable.
In a nutshell, if you are sensitive and people point fingers at you for being so, just walk away feeling even more proud, as you are one of those rare ones who have the capability to change the world around you with your sensitivities. Do not see your sensitive nature as a weakness. Just be what you are, and thank God for what you are.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
The Institution of Marriage….
Well, time really flies. It was hardly over a week ago that I completed 50 posts and wrote about a vision that I have for my future. Today as I write my 60th post, I thought of making this moment special as well. Since I would be tying the nuptial knot in about 12 weeks time, I thought of expressing a few thoughts on the institution of marriage itself, which I have always thought very sanctimoniously about.
According to most religions, marriage is a solemn covenant between two souls, which unite completely. Marriage also serves as a means to emotional gratification and as a means of stress reduction. It is a form of worship to God. It is not only a legal contract, but also a social union between two individuals and two families, which creates kinship.
In any marriage, arranged or love, you and your fiancée decide to get married months ago because you see certain traits in each other that, you think, would befit a great spouse. Suddenly after marriage, you begin to see its stark realities, but also experience the joy that comes from living together as companions. However, the life of fantasy that used to exist before marriage ends abruptly. Out of nowhere, you find yourself assuming more responsibilities, relinquishing some personal freedom and making some unselfish adjustments.
You come to realize very soon after the marriage, that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizable proportions. The spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious, may be kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing.
Since marriage has its share of ups and downs, one should always be honest to his/her spouse. After marriage, if you have been apart, you should always greet each other with cute expressions of love; you should always spend time with each other alone, just like you did in your honeymoon; you should always express your love in broad daylight just like first-time lovers do; and of course seek candid feedback on the relationship from each other. This is the time when you actually begin to understand hearts and your true love is tested and eventually manifested. You trust each other completely, as if another soul is embedded within you. Once you have kids as well, you begin to feel complete as individuals and as parents. I feel this is the biggest reward that one gets out of marriage as an institution.
I have never experienced post-marital bliss (and glitches) yet. However I am sure that in three months time, with the blessings of our venerated elders, Kuhu and I would integrate ourselves perfectly into this sacred institution. I hope that as years pass by after our marriage and physical desires diminish, we realize the true meaning of love, accept each other with all our strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly continue to love and trust each other as intensely and honestly, as we do right now.
According to most religions, marriage is a solemn covenant between two souls, which unite completely. Marriage also serves as a means to emotional gratification and as a means of stress reduction. It is a form of worship to God. It is not only a legal contract, but also a social union between two individuals and two families, which creates kinship.
In any marriage, arranged or love, you and your fiancée decide to get married months ago because you see certain traits in each other that, you think, would befit a great spouse. Suddenly after marriage, you begin to see its stark realities, but also experience the joy that comes from living together as companions. However, the life of fantasy that used to exist before marriage ends abruptly. Out of nowhere, you find yourself assuming more responsibilities, relinquishing some personal freedom and making some unselfish adjustments.
You come to realize very soon after the marriage, that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizable proportions. The spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious, may be kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing.
Since marriage has its share of ups and downs, one should always be honest to his/her spouse. After marriage, if you have been apart, you should always greet each other with cute expressions of love; you should always spend time with each other alone, just like you did in your honeymoon; you should always express your love in broad daylight just like first-time lovers do; and of course seek candid feedback on the relationship from each other. This is the time when you actually begin to understand hearts and your true love is tested and eventually manifested. You trust each other completely, as if another soul is embedded within you. Once you have kids as well, you begin to feel complete as individuals and as parents. I feel this is the biggest reward that one gets out of marriage as an institution.
I have never experienced post-marital bliss (and glitches) yet. However I am sure that in three months time, with the blessings of our venerated elders, Kuhu and I would integrate ourselves perfectly into this sacred institution. I hope that as years pass by after our marriage and physical desires diminish, we realize the true meaning of love, accept each other with all our strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly continue to love and trust each other as intensely and honestly, as we do right now.
Growing up in a Joint Family is a pleasure….
I feel that a joint family is the most fertile place that boosts the growth and development of a child. Joint families are like the first training grounds, where a child learns interpersonal skills. Children in joint families learn to be flexible in life, learn lessons of patience, tolerance, cooperation and adjustment because they have to live happily with people of different mentalities. They start to appreciate the fact that no two people in this world are exactly same; no two people can be equally good or bad as the other, at a very early age. At the same time they can enjoy their childhood too with lots of kids of their age group, who also happen to be their blood relations. No child would ever feel lonely in such a situation and also their innocence is sustained. This is never the case in nuclear families, where even toddlers participate in household discussions that take place between their parents. This makes them abnormally precocious and hence rarely loved by people.
In a joint family a child is reared and loved by a number of people, thus dividing work, saving time and creating a spectrum of exposure and awareness. The child has the opportunity of enjoying every small occasion with his/her elders. For working parents also, it’s a blessing to have reliable and trustworthy elders who can take care of the child when they are away for the day. I say this as there are nuclear families where the child gets deprived of love from the parents and become vindictive when they grow up. However, in a joint family with a lot of children growing up, there is bound to be constant comparison among cousins. This could lead to the development of unhealthy competition and feelings of envy among the tender minds.
It must be emphasized that nuclear families have their advantages also. There is more space for individuality and self-expression in a nuclear family set-up. Nuclear families make the child more self reliant and decisive as he/she is not as interdependent on a large number of family members to make decisions and take action. This independent streak can come in handy, as your child grows into an adult and has to make many decisions himself/herself. Communication channels between the child and parent can also be more open and transparent, in a nuclear family, as parents have their attention focused on their child, without having to divide their time with too many household responsibilities and between other members of the household.
At the end of the day, staying in a large family may rob your child off his/her personal space, and independence. Staying in a nuclear family for too long also can create a disconnect between your child and your extended family. I consider myself very lucky that, my parents never moved out of my forefathers’ ancestral house in south Kolkata, and hence I got the opportunity to grow up in a joint family. It is here that I have learned so many lessons of life. I wish every child gets to spend at least some part of their childhood amongst their grandparents and all paternal cousins. It would help them learn a few lessons for a lifetime.
In a joint family a child is reared and loved by a number of people, thus dividing work, saving time and creating a spectrum of exposure and awareness. The child has the opportunity of enjoying every small occasion with his/her elders. For working parents also, it’s a blessing to have reliable and trustworthy elders who can take care of the child when they are away for the day. I say this as there are nuclear families where the child gets deprived of love from the parents and become vindictive when they grow up. However, in a joint family with a lot of children growing up, there is bound to be constant comparison among cousins. This could lead to the development of unhealthy competition and feelings of envy among the tender minds.
It must be emphasized that nuclear families have their advantages also. There is more space for individuality and self-expression in a nuclear family set-up. Nuclear families make the child more self reliant and decisive as he/she is not as interdependent on a large number of family members to make decisions and take action. This independent streak can come in handy, as your child grows into an adult and has to make many decisions himself/herself. Communication channels between the child and parent can also be more open and transparent, in a nuclear family, as parents have their attention focused on their child, without having to divide their time with too many household responsibilities and between other members of the household.
At the end of the day, staying in a large family may rob your child off his/her personal space, and independence. Staying in a nuclear family for too long also can create a disconnect between your child and your extended family. I consider myself very lucky that, my parents never moved out of my forefathers’ ancestral house in south Kolkata, and hence I got the opportunity to grow up in a joint family. It is here that I have learned so many lessons of life. I wish every child gets to spend at least some part of their childhood amongst their grandparents and all paternal cousins. It would help them learn a few lessons for a lifetime.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Reality Shows and Children……
From the time reality shows of different genres, types and tastes started filling up prime time slots, people across different age groups have enjoyed it. I, myself used to be a dedicated spectator and audience of Star Voice of India, Indian Idol, and Sa Re Ga Ma. Shows like Roadies and Rakhi Ka Swayamvar set the young audiences on the roll.
However, there was one incident involving a child named Shinjini Sengupta which has opened a can of worms. It has been alleged that Shinjini went into depression after some harsh comments made by the judges of the reality show that she was a part of. Unfortunately, Shinjini took a turn for the worst and she was hospitalised with acute depression. This has raised the fundamental question that should little children be subject to the harsh realities of reality shows or not.
One theory is that if children have the will to participate in such shows, then they should also have the guts to accept its consequences, which poor Shinjini could not. I feel that is fair enough. Today’s kids are no sitting ducks that judges’ constructive comments could hurt them emotionally. They should be well prepared for failures and success and if their parents can encourage them to participate, they can also counsel them to move on if rejected.
The bigger challenge is actually for the parents. They are so freaked out about the child earning a name, in whatever way possible, in whichever age possible, just to get that one step ahead of their neighbor’s child, that they just push the kids into deadly warfronts like reality shows long before they are actually ready for it mentally. Some kids are smart enough and go through it, and earn a name for themselves. Some kids cannot do that however. In my opinion, if the parents feel that their kid, in spite of being extremely talented, is not strong enough mentally to take on the rigors of a reality show, then they should not make the child participate. In that case, we would not have another Shinjini Sengupta.
However, there was one incident involving a child named Shinjini Sengupta which has opened a can of worms. It has been alleged that Shinjini went into depression after some harsh comments made by the judges of the reality show that she was a part of. Unfortunately, Shinjini took a turn for the worst and she was hospitalised with acute depression. This has raised the fundamental question that should little children be subject to the harsh realities of reality shows or not.
One theory is that if children have the will to participate in such shows, then they should also have the guts to accept its consequences, which poor Shinjini could not. I feel that is fair enough. Today’s kids are no sitting ducks that judges’ constructive comments could hurt them emotionally. They should be well prepared for failures and success and if their parents can encourage them to participate, they can also counsel them to move on if rejected.
The bigger challenge is actually for the parents. They are so freaked out about the child earning a name, in whatever way possible, in whichever age possible, just to get that one step ahead of their neighbor’s child, that they just push the kids into deadly warfronts like reality shows long before they are actually ready for it mentally. Some kids are smart enough and go through it, and earn a name for themselves. Some kids cannot do that however. In my opinion, if the parents feel that their kid, in spite of being extremely talented, is not strong enough mentally to take on the rigors of a reality show, then they should not make the child participate. In that case, we would not have another Shinjini Sengupta.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Playing sport on the streets has disappeared…….
India does not produce spinners of the caliber of those in the 1970s anymore, nor can our modern day batsmen play spin as well as their predecessors used to. Our ranking in FIFA world tables has gone from the top 50 to the top 150! To me, there is a reason for this. Our kids never play any form of sport on the streets these days. Coaching camps, matting wickets, batting gloves and “proper” grounds have become hunting grounds for even school kids who are playing first time.Hence they are not as robust as they used to be.
Taking the example of cricket, you have a coach telling you what to do and what not to do every minute at the nets. The pitches are perfectly laid out, with a well-paid groundsman always on the attention. You cannot even cycle or walk to the coaching camp, you need a parent or a driver to get you there and return you home.
When we were kids, our first stop was neighborhood playgrounds which was hardly ever fenced, or the street just outside our home. So we played with whatever ball we laid hands on, be it a football, tennis ball, cork ball or rubber ball. The ball used to jag around due to the unevenness of the road, and with throw arm/overarm/pace/spin all being allowed in one match, the poor batsman had to deal with whatever was thrown at him. I remember playing football at the age of 10-12, with people who were at least 7-8 years elder to me. That made me physically tougher and helped fearlessness creep in. All that is history now. Too much traffic, family cars parked on the streets have put an end to the enjoyment of playing uninhibited on the roads. Playgrounds also have mostly disappeared giving way to parks with their stoned-walking tracks, green lawns and extensive landscaping.
It would be really refreshing if we can give our streets back to the kids of today, as there is no greater joy comparable to getting on the street, going around screaming for friends to come out and get an impromptu game started. It should not matter if the neighbor refuses to return the ball that landed in his compound or smashed his window panes into pieces, as it is part of the process of growing up.
Taking the example of cricket, you have a coach telling you what to do and what not to do every minute at the nets. The pitches are perfectly laid out, with a well-paid groundsman always on the attention. You cannot even cycle or walk to the coaching camp, you need a parent or a driver to get you there and return you home.
When we were kids, our first stop was neighborhood playgrounds which was hardly ever fenced, or the street just outside our home. So we played with whatever ball we laid hands on, be it a football, tennis ball, cork ball or rubber ball. The ball used to jag around due to the unevenness of the road, and with throw arm/overarm/pace/spin all being allowed in one match, the poor batsman had to deal with whatever was thrown at him. I remember playing football at the age of 10-12, with people who were at least 7-8 years elder to me. That made me physically tougher and helped fearlessness creep in. All that is history now. Too much traffic, family cars parked on the streets have put an end to the enjoyment of playing uninhibited on the roads. Playgrounds also have mostly disappeared giving way to parks with their stoned-walking tracks, green lawns and extensive landscaping.
It would be really refreshing if we can give our streets back to the kids of today, as there is no greater joy comparable to getting on the street, going around screaming for friends to come out and get an impromptu game started. It should not matter if the neighbor refuses to return the ball that landed in his compound or smashed his window panes into pieces, as it is part of the process of growing up.
Securing India from within….
Over the last five years especially, internal strife has torn India apart. Naxalite trouble, restive Kashmir valley and 26/11 have blatantly pointed fingers at the pathetic state of our police forces. Intelligence failures and lack of proper combat skills have seriously hurt national pride and security.
Nobody can forget the Dantewada massacre, nor can we forget the killings of Ashok Kamte, Vijay Salaskar, Hemant Karkare and Sandeep Unnikrishnan. Lackluster policies and lack of foresight have forced us to lose our best commandos time and time again. It is a pity that we have to take the assistance of the IAF helicopters to step up surveillance in the Maoist hit areas. Are we so helpless? The armed forces feel depressed by the fact that instead of securing our borders, they have to make up for the failure of the internal police and paramilitary forces.
The only silver lining in this entire fracas is that we have a very sensible and sagacious Home Minister. He has assured us that there would be no let-up in attempts to radicalize the country’s young men and women who don the police colors. There is a huge need for efficient police professionals in our country. India is one of the most under-policed countries in the world. Policemen are subjected to poor work conditions, pathetic pay scales, besides being grossly under-trained and ill-equipped. This in turn spawns a culture of corruption and brutality that fuels the cycle of resentment and protests. Hence we need serious police reforms so that the country’s youth can join these forces, and look up to it.
We cannot expect security personnel to maintain law and order and take on terrorists if they have never fired a gun in training or are provided with faulty bullet-proof jackets. We cannot expect them to control stone-pelting mobs if they have no knowledge of crowd-management techniques. Modernization of our police forces has to start early to help them make a difference on the ground.
Nobody can forget the Dantewada massacre, nor can we forget the killings of Ashok Kamte, Vijay Salaskar, Hemant Karkare and Sandeep Unnikrishnan. Lackluster policies and lack of foresight have forced us to lose our best commandos time and time again. It is a pity that we have to take the assistance of the IAF helicopters to step up surveillance in the Maoist hit areas. Are we so helpless? The armed forces feel depressed by the fact that instead of securing our borders, they have to make up for the failure of the internal police and paramilitary forces.
The only silver lining in this entire fracas is that we have a very sensible and sagacious Home Minister. He has assured us that there would be no let-up in attempts to radicalize the country’s young men and women who don the police colors. There is a huge need for efficient police professionals in our country. India is one of the most under-policed countries in the world. Policemen are subjected to poor work conditions, pathetic pay scales, besides being grossly under-trained and ill-equipped. This in turn spawns a culture of corruption and brutality that fuels the cycle of resentment and protests. Hence we need serious police reforms so that the country’s youth can join these forces, and look up to it.
We cannot expect security personnel to maintain law and order and take on terrorists if they have never fired a gun in training or are provided with faulty bullet-proof jackets. We cannot expect them to control stone-pelting mobs if they have no knowledge of crowd-management techniques. Modernization of our police forces has to start early to help them make a difference on the ground.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Uprooting Misunderstandings is vital….
Misunderstandings are bound to happen in any relationship, working or non-working. One way of avoiding hurtful resentments that may result from these misunderstandings is to keep an open line of communication with your partner. Miscommunication may still arise even while an open line is well established, but it is up to both partners to realize that if the relationship is where they want to be, then 'I' becomes less meaningful and 'we' becomes a more used phrase.
If observed minutely, one would find that in any misunderstanding, I say X, which in my mind carries the message Y, but in your mind you understand Z, then there is some confusion and controversy because Z and Y don't match up. It can be very emotionally painful for one side or both sides when a misunderstanding occurs, especially if an important expectation is violated by the unintended message Z. Misunderstandings are inevitable because language is many-layered, and that means that what you literally say and what you intend to communicate are usually, normally, perhaps even always, quite different.
It takes two to argue and one to stop it. I have often found that when I was able to put aside my own ego long enough to say, "I'm sorry, I just want to understand," I was pleasantly surprised to realize that it was that easy to stop the fight. We should all realize that communication could stay open ended when we stop long enough to really listen to what the other person is saying.
In a misunderstanding it is not any one's fault, but both sides have participated, and both sides can learn something, and if either side continues to blame the other for the misunderstanding then that is not fair. Although it seems selfish, domineering, disrespectful, and injurious to the relationship, this is exactly what happens when tempers flare on both sides. You have to root out the mistrust by honestly and respectfully engaging with your friend's real intention, because that is what they really meant. If you insist on staying on your own side, you're just burning down the bridge of connection between you and your friend.
Couples are usually in relationships because they have intense romantic attachment towards the partner, which is far greater than attachments towards any other family member. Any misunderstanding can be worked out and thought through when couples are willing and wanting to explore the deepest fundamentals of their relationship, which is based on love and trust. People in serious relationships want to be there, they want to be a part of the whole that becomes a working and loving situation. That is why you would find very often that when the patch-up happens after a misunderstanding, the intensity and the bonding of the relationship become stronger, highlighting that there is so much love waiting to be tapped. Then you rebuke yourselves for instigating a misunderstanding, as so much love-time goes waste.
If observed minutely, one would find that in any misunderstanding, I say X, which in my mind carries the message Y, but in your mind you understand Z, then there is some confusion and controversy because Z and Y don't match up. It can be very emotionally painful for one side or both sides when a misunderstanding occurs, especially if an important expectation is violated by the unintended message Z. Misunderstandings are inevitable because language is many-layered, and that means that what you literally say and what you intend to communicate are usually, normally, perhaps even always, quite different.
It takes two to argue and one to stop it. I have often found that when I was able to put aside my own ego long enough to say, "I'm sorry, I just want to understand," I was pleasantly surprised to realize that it was that easy to stop the fight. We should all realize that communication could stay open ended when we stop long enough to really listen to what the other person is saying.
In a misunderstanding it is not any one's fault, but both sides have participated, and both sides can learn something, and if either side continues to blame the other for the misunderstanding then that is not fair. Although it seems selfish, domineering, disrespectful, and injurious to the relationship, this is exactly what happens when tempers flare on both sides. You have to root out the mistrust by honestly and respectfully engaging with your friend's real intention, because that is what they really meant. If you insist on staying on your own side, you're just burning down the bridge of connection between you and your friend.
Couples are usually in relationships because they have intense romantic attachment towards the partner, which is far greater than attachments towards any other family member. Any misunderstanding can be worked out and thought through when couples are willing and wanting to explore the deepest fundamentals of their relationship, which is based on love and trust. People in serious relationships want to be there, they want to be a part of the whole that becomes a working and loving situation. That is why you would find very often that when the patch-up happens after a misunderstanding, the intensity and the bonding of the relationship become stronger, highlighting that there is so much love waiting to be tapped. Then you rebuke yourselves for instigating a misunderstanding, as so much love-time goes waste.
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